Its been a year

One of my oldest and dearest friends from childhood was killed a year ago this month on the 13th. Her name was Jennifer McCaleb Unland. Jennifer was driving with her 2 little girls when a car struck and killed her and one of her children in Gallatin TN. Her infant daughter only a few months old at the time survived. I have known her forever, we went to church together, we played together, spent the night at each others house, and stayed in touch as we got older and went our seperate ways.

Getting the news from her mother was the most horrible thing I have ever heard in my entire life and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell to the ground and couldnt move. I thought it was a bad dream, it couldnt be true, we had just emailed each other the day before. I have never felt so much pain in my heart before.


Even a year later after saying my goodbyes at the gravesite, after hugging her parents, even after hugging her husband and surviving daughter, Im still not ok. I cry when I think about her and I cant seem to delete Jennifers email address from my yahoo account. It seems to permanent.

I really dont want to hear that "its time to let it go, its time to put it in the past, its time to stop crying over it, she is in a better place". All of that being true but I dont want to hear it, I dont want to think that even though she is in heaven that its a better place than raising her 2 daughters and being with her family and friends. I am grateful for the fact that her daughter Hannah, who also was killed, is not alone in heaven and has her mommy there. I want her back God, I want to get an email from her telling me about her week. I understand about Gods will, I understand she is in a better place, I understand that its part of life but I dont want to accept it sometimes.

I want to be ok with the decisions that life made to take her away but Im not ok with it and not sure that I ever will be. I once heard that God doesn't take someone away that life does. I understand that statement but I wish I didn't because then I would have someone to blame, then I could be mad at someone.

Jennifer you are missed.